and my herpes radar will keep us safe
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
