i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
