she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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