new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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