We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
