It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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