Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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