my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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