I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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