Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
