im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
