Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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