Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
