her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
