i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
