I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
