This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
