I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
