I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
