Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
