Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
