Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
