I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
