Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
