New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
