You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So many bounce houses so little time
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
