my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
