Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize