I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
