she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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