It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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