Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So vagazzling was a success
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
