I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize