You made me cry and you don't even care
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
