Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
