Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
