smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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