I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
