I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
