Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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