just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just invented taco cereal.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
