Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
