oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
