I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
