You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
