This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
