my vag is so smooth its legendary
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
