apparently the secret to your success is patron
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
