he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
