i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
