Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
