Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
