How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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