Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
