I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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