Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just high enough for therapy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
