Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
