and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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