How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
