It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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