I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
