PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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